End to Self Pity

Blog readers, I have a confession to make. I have been consumed with self-pity recently.  I have found many, many reasons to complain lately.  Whether it has been about the heat, the difficulty of our calling to be missionaries in South Sudan, being away from family for Christmas, the list has gone on and on.

A praise song that was very popular before we left the US had a line that said, “Spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.” I remember sitting in our comfortable church in Indiana, surrounded by my friends and family, and thinking, “Yes Lord! This is exactly what I want for my life! Lead me wherever you want, and I will follow you there, no questions!” And yet, here I am… exactly where the Spirit has led, and I am complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I am wishing my calling could be somewhere with more seasons, better food, and a little closer to family (sounds reasonable, right?!). What happened to my faith? What happened to my “I’ll do anything for you, Lord!” attitude? Am I this weak that as soon as the going gets tough, I’m ready to throw in the towel and say I’d rather be at a beach?

A very wise woman once told me, “The end to self-pity is gratitude”. If we have a thankful heart, we will not have the capacity to complain and feel sorry for ourselves.

People here seem to go to church on every holiday. If there is anything at all to celebrate, there is a special church service. Since today is New Year’s Day, there was call for celebration, and therefore, a church service. As Will and I were bopping along to the music today in church (yes, music that we still have NO idea what we are singing about), something clicked in me. I looked around this little church building and saw it overflowing with joy. It is incredibly hot outside, some children were wearing raggedy old clothes, there was violence in town just a few days prior, and I spotted nothing but joy on the faces of the people in church today. Not only were their faces covered with joy, but also their bodies couldn’t contain the joy inside any longer and many people would start dancing and cheering in the middle of the praise songs.

I’m finding that South Sudanese people have to be some of the strongest, most resilient people on the face of the Earth. From our Western perspective, they do not have much to be grateful for. Their government is a complete mess, they are almost always in a state of war, there are limited resources (or the resources that do exist are not distributed well), and the education system/ system of order is in complete disarray. But all of these things seemed to have only made the people we interact with stronger. They do the best with what they have and they have some of the most generous hearts I have ever encountered.

So, sitting in the midst of the dancing and praising this morning, I realized I’m ready to kick self-pity in the butt. Gratitude is a choice and so is loathing in self-pity. We came to South Sudan to show the people here the all-sufficient love of Christ. If I choose to sit in the corner and mope, am I really representing the message of the gospel well? Is the message of an omniscient and omnipresent God really penetrating my heart I’m acting as if I’m all alone and no one is noticing my needs?

Today I am making the choice to tell Satan to “bug off” and remembering the battle has already been won. I am able to securely “walk upon the waters” because I know who my Master is and I know the power I have because of Him. I am choosing to count my blessings and serve with a grateful heart, remembering God has provided abundantly for us in more ways than we can even fully understand. Yes, it will still be hot here and I will still struggle with being so far away from family, but it is my choice to let these things consume my mind or to find ways to praise the Lord in the midst of the struggle. May this year be marked by gratitude and genuine abandon for the sake of the Gospel- despite what is comfortable.