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The reality of the past few months has hit hard and it has been a lot to process in the midst of teaching and everything else we are doing right now. This "limbo period" of not knowing when/if we can return to Mundri or when/if we will have a healthy pregnancy is tiring and seems unending at the moment.
Because of my wonderful husband and a great podcast we listened to today, I have gained some good insight on living well in this time (rather than continuing to mope...). The message we listened to today was on hope. The pastor (referring to Romans 8:13-25) said that "hope is groaning inwardly while waiting expectantly". He went on to say that "hope forces us to wrestle with God". If we are going to hope well, it forces us to face God and wrestle with Him about why we do not have the things we are longing for- why He has not seen fit to provide these things for us now. It makes us ask God why, all-the-while, holding on to expectations that these things will come to fruition one day.
So, today I am choosing to hope. I am still sad, yes. There are still many, many unknowns, yes. But, in the midst of it all, I am choosing to wrestle well so that I can hope well. I am choosing to see that this dark period of time is (or will) making me stronger.
Today I am hoping for peace in South Sudan. I hope my friends in Mundri will be provided for. I hope they have food to eat tonight and a comfortable place to lay their head. I hope they know the love of Christ in the midst of this chaotic time. I hope we will be able to return to Mundri. That we will be able to continue to do the work we started last September. I hope we are able have clarity on the future soon and God will bring peace to our hearts in the midst of the waiting period. I hope we will have children in God's timing and that these children will know God's love and reflect His glory.
In order to hope these things fully, I need to take time to ask God the "why's" that accompany each of them. Questions such as, "Why, Lord, why haven't you allowed peace in South Sudan? Why have so many people died?" and "Why can't You bring clarity to the future now? Why do we have to sit in the unknowns when it is so uncomfortable?". Asking these questions does not always lead to answers. I don't expect that there are simple answers (that my little mind could understand) to these big questions. But I know there is purpose in the wrestling. There is good that comes in the process of asking these questions and seeking the Lord in them. My prayer for us (all of us) is that we would hold on to hope in the midst of difficulty. I pray we would be willing to wrestle and ask the hard questions, knowing that God is big enough to comfort us in the uncertainty. I pray we would know "the God of all hope" and trust Him with our hopes and desires- knowing that He loves and cares for his children.
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