Gratitude

I was reading in Romans the other day and was struck by the following verses.

"For although they knew God (referring to mankind), they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." Romans 1: 21-23

I found it interesting to see where the change happened in these verses. It starts off by saying that "they knew God", but goes onto say that they "neither glorified Him nor gave thanks to Him". This is where the sin came into place. Because they did not glorify or give thanks to God, their "thinking became futile and their foolish hearts darkened".

These verses reminded me once again of the importance of gratitude. Gratitude and giving glory to God is what prevents us from giving into our own selfish desires and foolish thinking.

As I thought about these verses, I immediately knew this truth was the same in my life. When we first had to evacuate South Sudan, I slipped into "self-pity" mode. I was shell-shocked by how quickly everything happened and immediately starting having thoughts of, "Why would this happen to us?" and "What does this mean for our ministry in South Sudan for the long-term?". These thoughts in and of themselves are not sinful, but it is where my heart can wander after thinking them that pulls me away from gratitude and into self-pity land.

Although this has been an extremely challenging time for us as we are still in the "limbo" period of having to evacuate Mundri, we have a lot to be grateful for in the midst of it. Thinking of the blessings God has provided for us in hard times is not simply a way to ignore the struggle of what is going on or pretend the good things outweigh the bad. However, it is a way of acknowledging God's goodness and provision in the midst of our struggles. A way of realizing that He is caring for us well, even when we are going through storms in our lives.

There are many, many things that we have been blown away by in this time. Here are three things that have been huge blessings in the midst of our current situation.

Flowers outside of the house we get to
stay in while we are here in Kijabe

1. The school we are teaching at in Kijabe, Kenya is absolutely beautiful! One thing that was hard for me in Mundri was the town was not a naturally beautiful place. The people made it beautiful but I had to seek out beauty in God's creation each day because it wasn't something that was easy to find. This place is absolutely beautiful.  Everywhere you turn here, is a new angle of beautiful landscape. There are mountains completely surrounding the school compound. Everything on the campus is lush and green and there are many different types of flowers and plants. I am extremely grateful for the beauty here!

The Serge Kijabe Team while making pizzas together

2. While we are here in Kijabe, we are a part of the Serge team here. It is such a joy to be a part of this team for this time! We immediately felt welcomed and accepted into the Serge family here. What a blessing it is to have a team around us for this time and have such a great community here. We are so grateful for each person on this time and thankful to have this time in Kijabe with them!

3. If you know me, you know that I love to teach. Teaching students and being around children is my passion. The fact that we get to teach during this time of being out of South Sudan is amazing to me. I am grateful that we all get to do something in this time that is meaningful and lasting. We have the opportunity to pour into students' lives and teach them more about being children of God. We are grateful for the ability to teach and have a focus and purpose in this time.

My prayer is that we will continue to be grateful even in the midst of storms. I pray that we would see gratitude as a way of glorifying God and taking the focus off ourselves. May we trust in God's provision for us and see how abundantly He provides for His children. I pray that you, also, would have a grateful heart today and take time to acknowledge God's provision in your life.

Be Still

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; 

do not fret when men succeed in their ways, 

when they carry our their wicked schemes,

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; 

do not fret-it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off,

but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace."

Psalm 37: 7-11

Since we evacuated, several verses have been on repeat in my heart. When I came across this verse the other day, it stuck with me immediately. It wasn't until then that I recognized a theme to all of the verses that God had placed my on heart. They all had to do with "being still" or "being at rest" and waiting on the Lord. "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you" (Psalm 116:7) has been a go- to verse in this season. 

I don't like "being still". It is not something that comes naturally to me. Some people enjoy being idle and sitting quietly with their own thoughts... I am not one of those people. I like to be busy. When I'm in a season that is not busy, I like to pretend I'm busy and find things to do so that I don't have to be alone with my thoughts and my fears. The above verses have been difficult to me for this reason. I would rather busy myself so that I don't have to face what is really going on in my heart. The problem with that (there are many) is that this doesn't solve anything. It actually only causes me to be more anxious and fearful because I'm not actually dealing with what is going on- I'm working around the issues, but not facing the issues. I'm learning that I would rather flippantly said, "I trust you, God" than actually process and pray through what I'm trusting Him with- or God forbid, deal with the reality that I'm actually struggling to trust Him in a certain area and admit that to Him. 

So, in this season, I'm trying to be intentional about being at rest with the Lord. I know how easy it is for me to busy myself so that I don't have to face my fears and feeling head-on, so I'm working to fight that tendency and actually allow the Lord to speak to my fears and my doubts. 

Look at the above verse again. Isn't that a beautiful promise?! This verse has become my prayer for Mundri over the past few weeks. I pray that I will not "fret when men succeed in their ways" and the same for the people of Mundri. I also pray that my beautiful Moru friends will one day "inherit the land and enjoy great peace". Peace from war. Peace from all fear. Peace the God provides and cares for them. I'm praying for the day when the wicked will truly "be no more" and when evil is overthrown completely. 

This is why I can be a rest. I can sit quietly before the Lord because I trust that these promises will come true one day. I trust that although we don't see complete evidence of it now, God is victorious over evil and His ways will prevail eternally. 

In Between

We have been out of South Sudan for 5 weeks now. During those five weeks, we have moved around 11 times. We have packed and re-packed suitcases countless times. We have cried, prayed and processed with multiple people (well, maybe the tears were just from me...). We have been hosted by many gracious, hospitable people and have had multiple delicious meals cooked for us.

We are now in Kijabe, Kenya, where we will be teaching for the next three months. Will, Justin and I will be teaching at Rift Valley Academy (RVA) for their last term of the school year. Justin will be teaching 11th grade English, Will is going to teach Elementary PE and I will be teaching Kindergarten. We have houses on the campus and are finally able to put our clothes (the little that we have with us) away in drawers and put our suitcases away for a while.

Will and I will all of our nieces and
nephews last September

Oh my, it is nice to be settled. It is nice knowing that we do not have to worry about where we will be sleeping tomorrow or if we have a place to cook dinner. It is a relief to have access to a washing machine (yes, a real washing machine... wahoo!) and a coffee pot.

What is interesting, however, is that right after getting settled in yesterday, I felt more homesick than I have felt in our entire 6th months here in Africa. My heart was longing to be with my family and hug my parents. I missed our sweet nieces and nephews and wanted to play and chat with them. I missed our siblings and the feeling of being deeply known by them and knowing that they "get me" and I don't have to explain my thought processes to them.

Will and Francis in Francis' shop before last January

At the exact same time, I felt homesick for the dirt roads in Mundri and the joy of our Moru friends. I miss the sights and smells (well, not the dry fish smell or the rotting meat smell, but maybe some of the other smells...) in the market. I miss being welcomed onto compounds with laughter and hugs and impressing my friends with my (very broken) attempts at Moru.

So here we are, in a place that I know is good and I know is of God for this season of our lives. However, I also feel stuck between my other two "homes". I am homesick for both my American and Moru families. We are feeling mixed about starting over again and meeting a new set of people. We are extremely grateful for this opportunity and overwhelmed by the beauty of this place. However, our hearts are stuck in the in between. We are tired from transition and missing so many different people while trying to create new relationships at the same time. In all of it, we know God is faithful and He has great purpose in this time. Please pray for our hearts in this transition. Please pray that we would be able to live fully here even though our hearts feel torn and divided.

A view from the RVA campus. It is beautiful here!

But God

The best way I know how to describe our circumstances right now is by saying that we feel like we were on a freight train that was going full-speed in one direction and then unexpectedly changed directions. With no warning.

The last three weeks have been spent trying to figure out which direction the train is heading now and why it had to make the unexpected change. Like stewardesses scrambling to find answers to patrons' questions, we have felt frazzled to try and make sense of it all.

I am a person who likes stability. I like to know where I will be sleeping and when I wake up in the morning, I like being able to predict what the day will be like (living in Africa has thought be to be flexible on that one, but I still like things to be predictable). Our last three weeks have been anything but stable. We have slept in 8 different beds over the course of 3 weeks. We are constantly trying to figure out what we will eat each day and if we have a fridge available to store food in or if we need to get transport to go out and get something to eat.

We continue to get news about the deteriorating state of South Sudan right now. We read articles like this and this and honestly, I start to lose hope for the country. I start to wonder why God hasn't redeemed this horrible situation. I wonder how and if it will ever get better and plead for God to protect our friends in Mundri in the meantime.

But...

My favorite verses in the Bible are verses that have "but God" statements in them. The verses that start by lamenting a (usually very serious) concern and then interrupt the concern with, "But God...". For example, Genesis 50:20- "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." And Acts 3:15- "You killed the author of life,  but God raised Him from the dead. We are witnesses of this". 

I love these verses because to me, it is a like a holy interruption. It is saying, "here is how I am really doing, it's messy, it's difficult, I don't know a way out... BUT God is good. God will help me because that is His character. He has not forgotten me." 

Here are some "but God" statements that are currently on my mind.

We are stuck in Kenya and don't know how long we will be here or if we will be able to return to South Sudan but God had been incredible faithful to provide while we have been here. He has provided generous people who have welcomed us in and given us beds to sleep in and food to eat. 

The conditions in South Sudan seem to be getting worse and worse with no end in sight, but God is there. He has not left or forsaken His people and He is continue to move and breathe life into Mundri and South Sudan.

A part of me wants to be angry at God for leading us to a place that is so unstable and difficult, but God continues to remind me over and over again that He has a purpose in all of this and His calling was not a mistake. He is redeeming this and is remaining in control over our circumstances. 

What the "but" does in these statements is remind us of truth. It gives us the time to pause and remember God's character. It also gives us space and reason to praise the Lord who is in control of all things. 

I'm grateful to serve a God who interrupts my lamenting. A God who allows me to feel deeply and fully, but then gives me reason to praise and trust in His holy name. 

Uphill Adventures

"Killer Hill". I promise, it's bigger
than this picture makes it look...

We are currently in Kijabe, Kenya. It is about an hour and a half north of Nairobi and is set in the Rift Valley. I went on a run the other day and came to a hill that the people who live in this area have named, "killer hill" because, well... it is killer! It is a straight uphill for longer than a healthy distance (that is how I measure things...). I huffed and puffed going up the hill the other day. As I was trudging my way up the hill, I thought, "this is a perfect metaphor for our life right now! It is like going straight up a very steep hill where we are not sure where it will end or if we will make it up before collapsing".

So, if you can't tell, I was feeling a bit dramatic at the time.

And then, the next day, I went down the same hill. You know what I learned? Going down a "way steeper than necessary" hill is just as difficult as going up it. Because you know what? Whether you are going up or down, a hill is a hill. It takes effort.

While I was going down the hill, I was thinking about the metaphor again and how the steep downhill was still a representation of our life (yep, a day later, but still feeling equally dramatic...). I was thinking about how at any second my knees were probably going to collapse and I was going to ride down the hill on my buttocks. I thought, "well, that's just perfect because that is how I feel right now. Just like the hill is too steep and I'm riding through life on my backside".

Luckily, in the middle of my dramatic pity party, I looked past the fence to my right. 5 feet from where I was (luckily, on the other side of the barbed wire fence), was a family of baboons! BABOONS! There were about 7 or 8 of them and they were playing in the tree, running and grooming each other. It was amazing! I had never seen anything like it outside of the confines of a zoo before.

After enjoying the baboon family for a few minutes, I continued my walk (or butt-scoot) down the hill. Immediately, I felt like God said, "Theresa, you live in Africa! Life is going to be difficult, but take time to look off to your right and enjoy the baboons every now and then- this life is an adventure!" Yes, that is what I have forgotten in all of this! This life is an adventure. It is difficult, yes, but isn't every adventure difficult? Isn't that part of territory? The beauty of an adventure is the unknown.

I have a renewed hope for the unknowns at the moment. I am reminded that this adventure will not be easy. There will be times when I feel like I'm coasting down hills on my booty with no hopes of flat ground. However, God created the hill and you know what, He also gave me the legs to withstand the inclines and declines. He gave me the ability and strength to sustain the movements and the falls.

And since He is a loving and creative Father, he also provides baboons along the way to makes us laugh and remind us that we are on an adventure and He is right there with us.

So today, I'm grateful for baboons (and fences in between me and the baboons).

Stability in Instability

Nothing in our lives is set in stone at the moment. We are still in Nairobi and are not sure what our future in South Sudan looks like right now. With so many things up in the air, we are trying to make sense of it all somehow.

The day after we arrived here in Kenya, I flipped to a recent entry in my journal. The entry was from 8 days prior to us having to evacuate and I had felt like God was saying the following:

“I am calling you to a new place of security in Me. Trust and believe that My love is enough…Your security is in Me. It is not in your comfort or your circumstances. You are okay because of my constant love. Keep your eyes steady on My gaze. It is the only way you will be able to keep standing when the waves come. I am the only thing that doesn’t change. I am the only consistent source of stability. Look to me for your equilibrium. Stay secure in my consistency and in my love. I am enough for you.”

What a kind God! He spoke this to me before I had any idea that the waves were coming. He was preparing my heart for what was it come. That is exactly what this time is looking to be- looking to God for our equilibrium. It would be very easy to get distracted and angry in this time where we don’t have many answers. However, we are being reminded over and over again that God is enough. He is the only stable source in the midst of a world filled with instabilities.

When I first started to be interested in missions, I remember my dad sharing an Oswald Chambers quote with me. The quote is. “We are called to God first and ministry (people, country, work) second”. My dad wanted to make sure I knew when you are a missionary, it is easy to fixate on the “work” you are doing and even on the people you are serving more than on God, but the purpose of missions is God. He is where our devotion needs to rest.

This evacuation has been another reminder of that. We are called to serve God. Whether circumstances have us in Mundri, South Sudan, Nairobi, Kenya, or Australia (not an option, I just thought I would throw that out there ;)). our calling is to God first and ministry second. While we are in this limbo period, I am praying for a new understanding of what this fully means. All that I know now is that God is the same “ yesterday, today and forever” and everything else seems to change by the second.  In order to “stay standing when the waves come”, we need to keep our eyes fixed on the One who does not change.

This is our goal right now- to trust in the stability of our never-changing God. He is enough and He will provide- even when we are surrounded by instability.

Solid Ground

I have not posted in a while because 1. the past 5 days have been a whirlwind and 2. I have not known how to put that whirlwind into words. So, here is my attempt to do so.

We had to evacuate South Sudan on Saturday. That statement is much weightier in my heart than I think it looks when it's typed out on this blog. Let me put it another way to see if the "weightiness" comes out a bit more: We had to leave the place that we struggled to adjust to, but have come to love within 24 hours of finding out we needed to leave.

Since we live in South Sudan, we knew evacuation was always a possibility. This is a country where war is their history. They are trying to build their own independent country, but all they have know is war. We knew things were getting worse and we might not remain safe forever.

To find out a little more about what is going on in South Sudan right now, click here. In general, South Sudan has been working through "peace talks" between the president and former vice president to try to come to an agreement and stop the fighting that has taken place. However, every one of the peace talks have failed. There was finally a deadline put on them that they needed to come to an agreement by March 5th. They held another peace talk, and it failed once again. Since they were not able to come to an agreement by the deadline set for them by outside countries, we knew this could only lead to more war and fighting.

We left Mundri as a precaution. There has not been fighting in our little town yet, but we are not sure if it will stay that way. There was a significant increase in military personnel when we left on Saturday and tensions seemed to be increasing. We are hoping and praying fighting does not come to Mundri (and is stopped in South Sudan in general), but we knew it wasn't going to be helpful for us to be around if something did happen. There is a point where we quickly would become more of a burden to those around us than a help. They would be concerned about protecting us and getting us to safety and would be willing to risk their safety in the process.

The best way I know how to describe my emotions about evacuating is that it felt like the carpet was ripped our from under our feet. Everything happened so quickly and changed so fast...it was hard to figure out which way was up.

However, the beautiful thing about God is that He is our solid ground no matter what "cushioning" is taken away. The "carpet" of our life in Mundri might have been taken quickly, but we are still standing (or laying in a frazzled pile...) on solid ground. He has not changed. His promises for us have not changed, and he is not surprised by this.

A friend sent me a verse that has been very fitting in this time. It is Isaiah 26:3-4 and it says, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."

To be honest, our hearts do not feel at peace yet. We are still very concerned for our friends we left behind and we are coping with the losses of not being able to be present for our friends in Mundri as well as mourning the ministry we cannot do there right now. However, we have complete access to perfect peace. It is ours if we chose to embrace it. So, we will continue to remain steadfast in Christ and trust that peace is ours. We will continue to entrust our friends into God's hands and know He loves them far more than we do. We will trust that God is not finished working and He has the power to end wars and protect His people at any moment He choses to do so. We will also trust that in the midst of all of this, God is our advocate. He is working on our behalf and on behalf of our friends in Mundri. He has not forgotten or abandoned any of us.

As I think about Mundri, these sweet faces come to mind. These are our neighbors who come to get water from our compound multiple times a day. Please join us in praying for them, and for the other people in Mundri. Pray for protection over all of them and that they would experience God's perfect peace. Please hope with us that God has the power to end this war and create peace in South Sudan. We can be confident of this because, "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world." Believe with us that peace can happen and that God has the power to change hearts and protect lands.